You know how it is. You're at the end of a difficult day and all you want is for the evening routine to go smoothly - but it doesn't. Your kid doesn't like what you made for dinner, they don't want to take a bath, they don't want to brush their teeth and you can feel yourself heating up like a volcano that's about to erupt. All it takes is for your child to say 'no' one more time and here comes the fiery outburst as you yell "Why can't you just listen to me and do what I say?! You're making me so angry!"
And what follows is the look on your child's face that guarantees to make your heart feel like it just shattered like a glass bowl hitting the concrete floor.
We sometimes have this simultaneous feeling of urgency to fix what we just did but also still feel so frustrated. However when our frustration fades away, what's left is that notorious feeling we all hate to say we're familiar with.
Mom guilt...
So what do we do now?
First off, It's totally okay to feel frustrated, mad, irritated, or any other not-so-great emotion, but it's important to remember not to let those feelings control what we say when we're feeling that way.
Because as more and more heated emotional reactions pop up, they start messing with how we get along with our kids. Instead of being there for them with unconditional love, stability, and support when they need it most, we end up criticizing them, being wishy-washy, and fracturing their trust. Over time, as these moments pile up, the connection between you and your child will grow apart and tense, making it super tough to fix.
Luckily for us, there's an answer we can rely on to prevent such a downfall from happening in our relationship with our kids.
So let's take a look at the subtle difference between reacting and responding. Shall we?
Understanding Reactions
Trying to control external chaos to manage internal chaos can indeed provide a sense of relief and accomplishment. Simple tasks like organizing your desk or decluttering the fridge can help create a more peaceful environment and a clearer mind.
However, when it comes to dealing with children's behavior, or any individual's behavior, a controlling approach may not yield the desired results. In fact, it can often lead to long-term chaos in relationships.
For instance, let's say you're someone who is not normally good at waking up at the first alarm. When you finally do get out of bed, you timed it to the minute and as long as everyone does what they need to do you can still get out of the home in time to make it before the morning bell. You hit a snag with this morning though. Your 5-year-old happens to be feeling pretty moody today.
Rather than getting up and easily moving from step-to-step she doesn't feel up to doing anything. Your mind is fixed on getting her to school on time so rather than pausing the routine to help her work through her emotions - you snap.
"Jane! We don't have time for this! Get yourself together and let's go! I swear if you don't quit it with your attitude I'm going to take your games away!"
This only makes Jane more upset and what her mind and body take in is, "My mom doesn't care about how I feel and these feelings always seem to make her so mad."
I realize 5-year-old's don't actually have the inner monologue of an adult - but hopefully you get the picture.
Emphasizing Responses
So, when we're talking with our kids, how we react and respond is super important in how they understand communication.
If we just blurt out stuff based on our emotions, it could lead to misunderstandings and fights. But if we take a sec to think before we speak, we can give a more thoughtful and intentional response.
It's all about self-reflection to make sure our words really mean something when we're talking to our kids. When we stop and think about what we say, we're showing them how important it is to communicate well and how much we really care about what they think and feel.
Showing empathy and kindness to our kids not only makes our bond stronger but also helps build mutual respect and understanding. It lets them know we're there for them and creates a safe space for them to share their thoughts and feelings.
When we listen actively and validate our kids' perspectives, we're teaching them to do the same. Setting a good example for respectful communication lays the groundwork for healthy parent-child relationships and gives them skills they can use in all areas of their lives.
Impact on Relationships
It's all about give and take, you know? Like they say, "you get what you give." Your kid is young, but they're still human.
Sure, you've got more life experience and wisdom, but if you're always acting like you know best and expecting them to just listen, what are they really learning?
The impact can be big, but it's never too late to make things right.
Some Practical Tips for Mindful Parenting
Here are some suggestions to help you go from reacting to responding in 3 minutes flat.
Pay attention to your own big feelings when you hear something from your child. If you notice yourself feeling overwhelmed, stressed, angry, annoyed, or frustrated, that's your sign to do nothing but pause and take a deep breath (in through your nose and out through your mouth) before saying anything. Space is key.
If you feel like you need more than a few minutes to calm yourself, take it. Just be sure to come back to address the issue soon. Within the same day is ideal.
Ask yourself what emotions your child is probably feeling in that moment and then ask them if your guess is right. (ex: "you seem grumpy, could it be because you're hungry or sad?") and let them correct you if your guess is wrong and grant them the space to explain their feelings.
If your little one is too little to communicate with their words, tell them what emotions you're seeing from them anyway. It will help them feel acknowledged even if they don't fully know what emotions mean yet. Plus, practice never hurts.
Follow my three steps to go from reacting to responding.
Acknowledge: Let your child know that you see what they're feeling and hear what they're saying.
Validate: Let your child know that their emotions are normal and never ever bad or wrong, because we all get those feelings, it's part of being human.
Refocus: Offer two suggestions to help them get back on track.
Final Word
As we wrap up, consider reflecting on your past relationships, even those from your childhood. Think back to a specific moment that still resonates with you, where you craved better understanding from the other person. Embrace this opportunity to break free from old patterns and create healthier connections!
You can do it, mama!
Note : If you wish to dive deeper into improving your relationships with your kids through mindful responses, click here for additional resources and tips.
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